FW: Curses

No, I wish I was talking about the card game where everyone does random and silly stuff and you can all laugh at each other's expense. I'm referring to the blasted cold I have and how it's making me feel wiped out. Grr.

||Waringing: Tome to follow. ||

I also wish I knew how to... well, fix things. It's so hard. There's this guy I like who I care for, and we are extraordinarily good friends and are very much alike, but we've run into a snag with our relationship and I don't know what to do about it. I have this feeling that something isn't settling quite right, but I don't know what the devil to do about it. Unfortunately, I really don't know what it is, and thus don't know how to fix it. He's a really good guy, and he deserves the best... and I hate seeing him hurt and confused. He's pulled back a lot and, as far as I can tell, isn't associating with people on our floor or doing anything social, which makes me sad. He used to be so outgoing and easygoing, and every time I pass by, he just seems depressed. He doesn't come to a lot of the gatherings or activities that we have any more, and I know it's because of me. The ones he does come to, he sits in the back corner and doesn't talk to people any more, and jumps ship as soon as the meeting is over. I know that I told him I don't want to put him on a back burner while I figure things out, but he's doing that himself. I realize that's his choice, but I know it's because of me and I don't want to take away some of the best opportunites of his life while I sit back and figure things out. I did something like that for two years, and it sucked. I went through a lot of pain that I feel I didn't need to, and I don't want him to feel so down that he doesn't feel like having those carefree experiences. This kind of setup is never going to come again, and I miss his old self. When I mentioned it to my roommate, she said, "You know it's so hard for him because he was so utterly devoted to you, right?" I think I did know that, subconsciously, but it's still sad to see him so withdrawn and so changed, and it almost makes my heart cry when I see him. I don't know what I can do to fix it.
Then, too, I feel like I'm responsible for his pain, and if I talk to him or see him, I'll just bring up those painful feelings again. I'm almost afraid to go near him lest I cause those hurt or confused feelings to come back. I want him to be happy, but I also can't just give in to that feeling of responsibility before I know what I'M feeling. That won't make either of us happy in the long run, and I'd probably have to break up again so I could really figure things out.
This sucks... so bad. I care for him, and I don't want him to hurt, but I also can't give in just because of pity. I grew up knowing that that was very, very bad. I honestly care for him, and loved my time with him, but I don't know if it's the right time or thing to do, and I can't chance it with this. Other situations may be more forgiving. I only have one shot with this one.
Then, too, I'm leaving next year. I don't mind at all the prospect of seeing him again when I get back, but I have seen SO many other people's literal anguish when they try to wait for their significant other and keep a relationship alive through the distance. It just doesn't work. I experienced it, he experienced it, and lately I've been watching my roommate struggle with feelings of rejection when her guy got back and flat out turned away from her. Andrew spazzed while Jamie was gone, and it was terrible for him. Yes, they ended up getting married, but he was in such literal torment. I can't wish that upon my guy, or even myself. Jamie said the absolute lowest point for her at that time was when she got Andrew's letter that said he was going to date other girls. Not the weather, not the rejection or the hardships of the work. It was his letter.
I can't go through that... not again, and I'm not going to put him through that for the 4th or 5th time or however many he's been through. If he's around when I get back, great! I will be more than happy. But it is so heart-wrenching, I won't put either of us through it. I care for him too much to do that. Just like I cared for him too much to date him before Todd got back. I knew I'd end up dumping him, and that wouldn't be fair, so I forced myself to leave. I won't do that to him.
I also worry that he's reading too much into a friendship I have with another guy. Yes, I know that he likes me, but I also know for a fact that he only wants to keep it at a friendship. My friend respects me and my relationship with him too much to interfere. He's had plenty of opportunities to "make a move", or take our friendship to a higher level, but he's never done it. He wants to just stay friends. To be honest, I've needed him, but just in the role of friend. I had a lot to deal with, and I needed someone to vent to, to help when I was down, to make me laugh on a crappy day. I needed that support, not another boyfriend.
Man, I hope this works out. I want us all to be happy, but I can't control everything. I can only do so much, and right now the answer I'm getting is "Wait. You wouldn't understand everything if I told you. But I'll be beside you, and I do know what's going on. You will understand in due time."
So, I sit and wait, and move on the best that I can with what I have. In the meantime, I wish he wasn't hurting so.